“My child won’t accept ‘no’ from me…” – this is a common complaint from mothers and fathers in parent-child groups or during personal consultations at the Early Intervention Center South. Ulrike Glingener, a social worker at the SOS Children’s Village Bremen,
"My child doesn't accept 'no' from me..." – mothers and fathers often tell me this about their everyday experiences with their little ones. Sometimes I also hear the following statement: "He or she smiles at me and then deliberately does exactly what I just forbade!"
There is a connection between action and reaction
Instead of feeling mocked or annoyed, you can be happy! Your child has understood that there is a connection between their own actions and Mom's, Dad's, Grandma's... reaction.
Your child is probably around one year old, and I'm sure you're familiar with some of the following examples:
- Your child turns the light on and off,
- It turns the music system up and down
- It grabs another baby's hair, which then starts to cry
- It waves to someone and is happy when the other person waves back.
Your child is doing something that has a direct impact, and this power feels fascinating and good! In this case, we speak of self-efficacy.
Quite exhausting!
For us adults, the phase of self-efficacy is exhausting, but extremely important for a child's development. Your child doesn't immediately understand what a prohibition means. Simply saying "NO" isn't enough; you have to take action, and unfortunately, that means very often!
It takes approximately 287 repetitions of the same action for your child to understand what they are allowed to do and what they are not. But don't worry, this will improve around the age of two!
Children, for example, love throwing things off their highchairs. This teaches them that objects fall downwards. At first, you probably picked up the object and said, "Stop that!" or "Don't throw your fork down!" But only when you stopped picking the object up did your child understand the consequences of your words and gradually stop doing it.
Children hear the word "NO" and can quickly say it themselves, but they don't yet really know what it means. This is also because "NO" is addressed to the child in many different ways: "stay away from there," "don't do that," "leave that alone," etc.
My tips for you
If you want your child to understand you, I recommend the following:
- Take the forbidden item away from your child or
- Take the child somewhere else.
- Make a serious face and speak in a serious and determined voice.
You might encounter some protest, but after all, we're not training dogs to be obedient!
The most important thing is to stay in communication with your child. While you're doing something, you can say things like, "I know you don't like this right now..." or "You would like to..." and thus express your understanding of your child's perspective.
The most important thing, however, is that you stick to your decision and don't let the protest change your mind; forbidden things remain forbidden.
To make it easier for you to enforce the rules, it's advisable not to set too many. A rule that isn't followed signals to your child that you don't mean it. For harmonious living, it's therefore recommended that the home be childproofed and that there are allowed alternatives. This could include, for example, climbing on old cushions in the children's room or using a drawer in the kitchen for clearing out toys.
Ulrike Glingener is a qualified social worker and has worked at the SOS Children's Village Bremen. Together with the Office for Social Services (AfSD), staffed by several specialists Early Intervention Center South,. Anyone interested can programs for mothers and fathers at the SOS Children's Village Center or the Huckelriede Neighborhood Center meet