As I open the envelope, the room falls completely silent. Luiz's* mother and Luiz's father are waiting eagerly for me to read aloud the messages that their seven-year-old son has given me for his parents. (*Name changed by the editors)
Luiz's parents have been separated for a year. Living together didn't work out – and raising a child together after a separation isn't exactly easy. So, the parents are coming to our counseling center in the central/western district to find out what Luiz needs to cope with the separation and this new phase of his life.
And Luiz is, of course, an absolute expert on this very question. That's why Luiz came to me, and we explored what makes him happy, what worries him, and what he wants from his parents. We wrote it all down on cards, put them in an envelope, and Luiz carefully sealed it and wrote "for Mom and Dad" on it. Luiz decided he didn't want to be present at the appointment with his parents.
Today I get to talk to his parents about these messages. And I have parents sitting before me who are very eager to hear what their son has to say and who, despite the conflicts of their separation, are able to discuss this together. I have great respect for that.
So what do children from separated families need to grow up happy?
Firstly, of course, they need exactly the same things as children from other family structures! And there are a few things that are particularly important for them:
1. Parental responsibility: "We're in charge!"
It is important for children that their parents are aware of their parental responsibilities and take ownership of them! Their parenting role should be cooperative and supportive, even after a separation. It is important that Luiz's parents do not communicate matters such as agreements, appointments, or current information through him, but rather exchange these directly with each other by phone or email.
The motto is therefore "educate separately – together!"
Since Luiz knows that his parents regularly arrange to talk on the phone and make an effort not to argue in front of him, he feels much better overall, can sleep more peacefully and rarely has bad thoughts in his head anymore.
2. Orientation: "Which way do we go?"
At the same time, it is important for children to understand what is happening and what will happen next. Depending on their age, they need an explanation of the separation that reassures them that they are not to blame for it – and that they can do nothing to make their mom and dad get back together.
They want to be able to imagine exactly what their lives will be like with both Mom and Dad. In everyday life, rituals that connect Mom's world with Dad's world also help.
Luiz says he knows that Mom and Dad separated because the love faded. But that they will both always love him. He explains that he "switches" every Monday after kindergarten and celebrates his birthday twice. He watches a movie with Mom on the weekend, and always goes to the market with Dad on Saturdays.
3. Participation: "I have something to say!"
Whether parents separate is a decision for the parents themselves. And rightly so. However, this decision has a major impact on the lives of their children. And these children often feel powerless and helpless. Suddenly, they have to find their way in a new world they didn't choose and which demands a lot from them.
It helps the child if they are listened to now, to how they are feeling, what ideas they have about what might be good for them, and much more.
Simply by being asked how he's doing and what he wishes, Luiz is included. His ideas? He'd like to always have his cuddly toy with him, no matter who he's with. He'd like to have a picture of his dad when he's with his mom, and vice versa. He really doesn't want to hear what those two silly things have to say about each other!
4. Bonding: "I love you both!"
The love between adults may fade, but the love between parents and child lasts a lifetime. After a separation, each parent invests in their relationship with their child to provide them with support and security.
In addition, there is the often difficult task of supporting the child's relationship with the other parent, as the child still needs this connection. This means fostering contact with the other parent, speaking respectfully of the other, and keeping the other parent alive in the child's experience despite the temporal and geographical distance.
Experts refer to this as "attachment care," meaning the active promotion of the child's relationship with the other parent.
Luiz knows that both parents love him and enjoy spending time with him. He also senses that his mom is okay with him looking forward to seeing his dad. And he can freely tell his dad how wonderful his time with his mom was. He can call the other parent whenever he wants. He feels that both of them give him permission to love each other.
What he'd really like to know is what it was about each other that they liked so much. And he'd like to see some photos from when they were a happy couple.
5. Reassurance: "We'll make sure everyone has a good atmosphere!"
It is important for children that their parents do not argue in front of them or speak negatively about the other parent in the child's presence. Due to their experiences during difficult times, children are more perceptive and sensitive to destructive atmospheres or negative words – in this situation, tone is crucial.
Luiz often witnessed his parents arguing on the phone. He would then retreat to his room, cuddle his cuddly toy, and tell it what he thought. His parents often didn't even notice. This always hurt Luiz very much!
To prevent this from happening again and to allow Luiz to move freely between his two worlds, his parents need to create a calming atmosphere. This includes reassurance when saying goodbye and arriving, and in all aspects of their daily interactions.
It's important for Luiz to be able to go to his dad's in a good mood and to be welcomed with open arms by his mom, not just symbolically. All of this contributes to a calm atmosphere and helps Luiz navigate the transition between these two worlds.
6. Activate support: "We are one big team!"
When parents separate, two worlds inevitably separate as well, encompassing the entire family, grandparents, neighbors, caregivers, etc. Therefore, these people can positively influence how the children and parents cope with the separation
n. For example, the beloved grandmother can regularly take the children to her home to provide support and security, while at the same time giving the mother or father the urgently needed free time to run errands or to take a breather.
Luiz loves visiting both his grandparents. He knows he's always warmly welcomed there and spoiled with delicious sweets and his favorite food. He just doesn't like staying overnight because he always misses his mom and dad in the evenings when it gets dark.
7. Parental energy boost: "I'm recharging!"
The counseling session for parents also focused on how each individual can recharge their own batteries. Where are my sources of recharge in everyday life? How can I give them more space? It's not always easy to give yourself permission to prioritize your own needs.
However, it is an important part for separated parents to fill this new role, to activate their own resources and opportunities for strengthening themselves, and to integrate them into the respective times with and without their child.
Since Luiz's mom has started going to yoga regularly again and his dad has started wearing his running shoes again, he finds his parents much more content and arguing with each other far less.
Despite separation, the parent team remains together
A few tissues were needed during today's meeting with Luiz's parents. They were both deeply moved by how clearly he expressed himself. His issues will now be addressed gradually in parent counseling.
I'm sure Luiz will cope well with the separation because he has two parents who, despite their hurt and difficulties, make sure he has a good relationship with both of them. And they try to work together as a parenting team and be there for him, even after the separation.
If you would also like support, you can contact these advice centers:
- Counseling centers for children, adolescents and families/parenting advice centers (Office for Social Services) at four locations in the city of Bremen
- bke parent counselling (online)
- TuSch groups – groups for children from separated and divorced families (family workshop))
Henryk Lorenz and Ini Friedrichs advise many parents who are considering or have separated. Together with the other members of the team at the counseling center for children, adolescents, and parents on Hans-Böckler-Straße, the psychologist and the social worker are the right people to contact when it comes to family life: They offer advice not only on separation and divorce, but also on conflicts within the family, as well as on problems in daycare or school, parenting issues, or behavioral problems. Furthermore, many topics such as puberty, grief, or media consumption can be addressed here.